Shortly after Emily’s birth, before we even had time to comprehend all this, we were told that if we were to have another baby, that baby would have a 80% chance of having a heart condition, and it was recommended that we not have more children.

My parents at the same time were stressing to us that we shouldn’t have more children for medical and financial reasons. So we made the decision to do the vasectomy.

Only later did we find out that Emily’s heart condition was not caused by genetics but by methotrexate that I had been treated with about 3 wks before getting pregnant. And now we are left feeling like we were misled, that we were cheated from what our family could have been.

After much thought and prayer we are looking into having a vas reversal, but that is VERY expensive, so what do we do? I feel like every month my hopes are dashed and that there is a empty spot in our family needing to be filled. I long to feel the baby kicking, to hold my baby, to nurse him or her. And until God provides a miracle or we can come up with the money, we will be left to feeling like something is missing

I have even looked into it and then I stop because it just makes me sick. It costs $25,00-$35,000 to adopt a child and to me this is highway robbery. There are many families that would gladly open their homes and hearts to these children, but it is financially impossible.

We could never save that much money and loans are not an option, so what do we do? We stop looking and know that there is a child that will never have a home due to finances.

I have a special heart for children of latin america, and even more so for those with Heart Disease.

It breaks my heart that though we have the love to give, we cannot give it. (Though I have no clue where we would put another child in our current living arrangement, we would need to move to a 4-5 bedroom house)

Tallahassee just didn’t seem the right fit. After 1.5 yrs there we had not connected with anyone, had not made any friends and the job we moved for did not work out.

We moved from Tallahassee to Orlando 4 months ago and still don’t feel like we fit. We have really only met one other couple and then we don’t really know them. We hate the city noise and realize we are country folks and heart.

Added to that the summer heat is oppressive. Graig loves to fish, but it is impossible to fish without a boat, and the heat makes the fish slow to bite. We love to camp, but camping here from May to October is too much for Emily.

The good- we have a great heart doctor for Emily, we found a dr. who actually looked into my health problems and found a reason for them.

When we think of home, it’s NY. We don’t love the cold, but I miss the fall, the spring. I miss snow at Christmas.

So what do we do? Do we stay here and gut it out? Or do we look into moving (though that can’t happen until after our lease is up)? How do we know what is right?

So I am not sure what we will do. It has been a long time since we have had no kids in the house. Graig and I will probably go to Barnes and Nobles to use his gift card for coffee, and we may do a picnic. Living on a tight budget makes it hard to do much.

I hope to finish a lot of my quilting projects, or to at least piece the quilts (since I don’t have the filler right now). It will be a relief to get all the projects done so I can make room for more.

I am considering now starting to try and earn some money by quilting. I would focus mainly on baby and lap quilts (36-42″x 56-70″), and making my teething blankets (also called ribbon blankets). This is still up in the air as I have no clue how to get started doing it.

When we moved to Orlando, I had to find a new doctor. At the first appointment he sent me to get a bunch of blood work, including my thyroid. The test came back really high, 12.95 for my TSH, which should have been below 4. So he sent me for more bloodwork.

Today I found out that I have an auto-immune disease called Hoshimoto’s. Basically this means that my body is fighting my thyroid and over time my thyroid will stop producing. He has recommended that I see an endocrinologist, which I will do in 2 wks. In the meantime I have to have a sonogram of my thyroid done.

Last year, about this time, I was diagnosed with another auto-immune disease called Eosinophilic Esophagitis. This is a disease in which your body attacks the lining of your throat as if there is an allergen. It can cause a narrowing of the esophagus and “rings” to form in the esophagus. Some people find that removing certain foods makes it better, but I have not found this. When I did do a food diary it seemed that the food that was irritating me found in everything.

What worries me the most is that once you are diagnosed with one auto-immune disease, it seems that you are later diagnosed with many more. I have had issues with joints for years and now my dr. wants me to see a Rhuematologist. It just seems to never end.

Now I am not so sure. The special needs that Emily has, the school has to provide for them either way. But with the heat that we have in Central Florida and with her health I wonder what is best. She does not handle the heat well, she does not drink enough when she is at school and I always wonder what is up. Add to that, she misses on average 30-40 days of school a year.

But can I do it. I realize that there is alot of help out there for parents who home school. I will have more control over their education, and we can travel and add more into their education with field trips. I have the education background too.

I just don’t know if I am disciplines enough to teach them, or have enough patience for my children. It is one thing to teach someone else’s children, where you have breaks from them, a total other thing to teach your children and have them with you 24/7.

This will have to be thought on long and hard.

The name “One Pan Short” comes from my love of cooking and family. I feel you never have enough pans (or the one you need when you cook) and I also feel that our family is “One Pan Short”.

In cooking, not much I can do to add pans, mainly because I don’t have any more room in the kitchen. Family wise we are doing what we can to add another pan or two into the mix .